Monday, 11 April 2016

Taking some time

This is a bit of a 'dear diary' type post, but as usual you definitely won't hear me apologising for my absence. I've been a lot less active than I planned to be on this blog and on social media for the last few weeks. I just didn't have the energy. I've had far too many sleepless nights lately, laying awake and worrying about my health, my career, finances, everything really.

I'm a natural born worrier and have struggled in the past with anxiety so my current troubles with blepharitis (you can read about my eye struggles here), a possible relocation at work and our mission to save a mortgage deposit definitely got on top of me. I cope a lot better than I used to but I'll never be great with this kind of stuff.

I've now been seen by an optician, which didn't help very much as she said my eyes just looked like I'd had an allergic reaction and sent me on my way. A week later I was back at the doctors in tears after they flared up again and I had begun struggling with the dry air and long periods in front of screens at work.

The doctor mentioned something called Sjogren's syndrome to me, which is an autoimmune disease that affects glands, and said it fit with some other medical problems I'd had in the past. I'm now awaiting a referral for more investigation.

The moment she said it I just had a gut feeling that maybe that's whats wrong with me, that my various seemingly unrelated problems over the last few years could really be down to just one thing. I began obsessively googling it and was met with some very scary articles about an increased risk of lymphoma and a lack of proper treatments. Cue minor breakdown and onslaught of extreme hypochondria.

After fretting all week and really driving myself into the ground with a lack of sleep and more obsessive googling and supplement buying I ended up where most of us end up when things get too much - at my mums house having a massive cry about it to her.

I don't feel bad about having dropped the ball recently because I know it needed to happen. I needed to hear someone say it will all be OK. I needed to step away from the internet a bit and have some 'me time' to stop myself from going crazy. At first I felt guilty, like a bit of a failure, but today having taken stock I feel so great about it.

I feel motivated to take on whatever life throws at me, so if I really do have some kind of disease, and even if my eyes never really get better, I'll deal with it. I've also noticed I don't feel half as self-conscious about not being able to wear eye-makeup very often when I steer clear of Pinterest and Instagram.

I guess the moral of this story is that you should never, ever feel bad for needing to take a break from blogging, or from any other aspect of your life. These days people juggle so many different pressures, so if you can reduce them by stepping back from something for a while then you should never question yourself. Don't compare yourself to 'perfect' internet celebrities who seem to be able to have and do it all either - online you only see the parts of peoples' lives they choose to show you.

So this is me saying that sometimes, I might duck out of the world wide web for a few days, but it doesn't mean I'm giving up or being lazy. It means I'm focusing on being my best possible honest, healthy self both online and off. I usually come back more motivated than ever!

Do you ever take time out to switch off and clear your head?


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